Recently I’m feeling scared often.
Social systems seem to reach new levels of collapse recently. And many people seem to think they have an answer to it, but they don’t, because no one actually knows how to align everyone (or at least not enough people) to make it happen.
I totally see it as mine to do to participate in the search for an answer to the collapse [1]. But I have no clue how to do this. I don’t know what would make sense for me to do given what I can do. And it becomes complex if I want to contribute to my family’s financial sustainability. Given that a system usually rewards those financially who maintain it (or extract from it), this puts me (and us) into a difficult place, given that I want to change it. I remember a particular moment from 10 years ago when I met someone and she said “Oh, so you are also still searching”. It hit in an uncomfortable place, and only now, 10 years later, I feel I’m landing more fully in the truth of it in the sense that I’m not trying to push it away anymore.
So, I am still searching, and I’m feeling lost and scared often. And I’m becoming more okay with it. It’s funny. I’m sleeping better, specifically I’m falling asleep more easily and quickly in the evening now compared to a few weeks ago, when I wasn’t feeling — but instead trying to avoid feeling — that lostness and fear.
It’s an uncomfortable place, but I’m starting to appreciate it. Firstly, it seems to actually be an accurate response to the global state of things. Secondly, it makes it possible for me to take next steps that are possible and useful to move forward — and not just aspirational leaps where I end up in the same place as before, effectively moving in circles. And finally, I’ve noticed how feeling scared just sitting at home, it lowers the threshold to go out and do stuff that feels scary — I’m already feeling scared anyway.
[1] Depending which day you ask me on I might say something like this “…to find ways for us to make decisions locally and globally together that care for people and life on earth long-term”. But it changes… part of the lostness is not having a clear sense of what it is that I want to work towards — not just what I want to avoid.