The “Gates of Grief” [1] describe five different areas within which grief can emerge for us humans. I find them useful, because they
- help me to articulate (towards myself and others) more easily why I’m feeling heavy or sad, and
- which in turn makes it easier for me to create the conditions and invite the support I need to access and process (which usually includes crying for me) the grief
Support, because expressing grief in some of these areas is better known and accepted by myself and other people, and less for other areas — and for these other areas I then need more support to digest the grief.
Overview: Gates of Grief
Here’s a little overview, in tabular format, for the five gates Francis Weller describes. The columns Public awareness and acceptance as well as Example from my life (obviously) are my additions.
| # | Gate name | Public awareness and acceptance | Example from my life |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1st | Everything we love, we will lose | Known and accepted, although sometimes pushed out of awareness | Someone who was close to me died |
| 2nd | The places that have not known love | Known by some, accepted in particular settings (like Psychotherapy) | As a young man being shamed for crying (“Are you a baby?!“) |
| 3rd | The Sorrows of the World [2] | Known by many, but not taken seriously in this frame, instead framed and accepted as an individual’s depression | Ecological collapse, climate change, wars. Some living in affluence, while others having not enough to eat. |
| 4th | *What we expected and did not receive | Not known by most (and, thus, not taken seriously), difficult to identify for most of | Wanting to contribute meaningfully to the world, and being confronted with jobs that feel empty [3] |
| 5th | Ancestral Grief | Not known by most, and possibly confusing to many, when being articulated. | Being part of biological and cultural lineage of men who have experienced and committed lots of violence — and likely never processed the accompanying grief. |
[1] Developed by Francis Weller, described in his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow. Some of the terms and descriptions here are very close to what he writes, and some I changed to fit better my own understanding.
[2] “Weltschmerz” in German.
[3] I am aware that this might be controversial, or at least confusing, to some readers. I intend to write more about this specific comment in a different blog post.