The Understanding Patriarchy chapter of bell hooks’ The Will to Change – Men, Masculinity, and Love offered me some key insights that stayed with me. I was struck when reading that boys are trained to enjoy violence. I believe that around the age of 12 or 13 I’ve first been introduced to various violent computer games, some of which I then played intensely (tens of hours per week!) for years, with periods of where this had been a top priority in my life (with almost daily team practice and tournaments on weekend nights). The most intense period was over at the age of 16, and it continued to decline towards the end of my teenage years. I reengaged with it in bursts throughout my twenties, sometimes not engaging with it for months or even years.
I’m still playing them rarely nowadays (as of May 2023), every few months or so I do. My experience of them has changed since I started to engage with nonviolence more deeply through my involvement in the NGL Community[1]: they lost most of their power to fully capture my attention, and at times I found them appalling. And still, these violent games are there, sitting, waiting for me. They are like a refuge to me, something that I can go back to when everything else fails. I’m particularly drawn to them during times of overwhelm and some kind of subtle dread.
When visiting an old fortification in France, I’ve noticed how all these structures that had been built originally to support warfare elicited mostly excitement in me (and not horror). So much effort was put into fighting and ending others’ lives, often in very brutal ways — and my emotional response was excitement.
While driving afterwards some tears came in response to my excitement associated with violence, and a few more tears throughout the day. It’s the first time I ever found access to mourning how I relate to violence and hope more will follow. It feels significant, both personally and beyond me.